Author: John & Elizabeth McIntosh
Publisher: GP Mx Solutions P/L
Purchase at AMAZON
Doctor John McIntosh and Rev. Elizabeth McIntosh, authors of an important new book, MASTERING NEGATIVE IMPULSIVE THOUGHTS, use “nits” as both an acronym for their book’s title and as an analogy for the clearly unhealthy effects of negative thinking.
“Negative thoughts occur impulsively, so that is why they are Negative Impulsive Thoughts, or NITs, for short,” the authors say. “The nice analogy is that nits are also head lice and both (nits and NITs) are irritating, contagious, hard to recognize, hard to eliminate, breed fast, and spread like an epidemic.”
Unlike other, similar books that claim to have a magic route to happiness and health, MASTERING NEGATIVE IMPULSIVE THOUGHTS is based on solid clinical research, say the authors, who together have extensive experience in general medicine, medical research, and holistic health/wellness practices.
Be open with your affection and compliment each other in public – “Here comes my beautiful wife/husband/partner” – touch them gently and affectionately, and hold their hands. This affectionate approach to each other is contagious, and soon everyone around starts to do the same thing! This mutual affection also deters predators who might want to try their luck with your partner, but as your relationship is so secure, this is a non-issue anyway. The relationship will never fall apart, because you love each too much and it is balanced and mutually rewarding.
Showing respect to each other is another key, as not showing respect erodes the foundations of the relationship and each other. An example is to ask your partner for confirmation of plans if you are invited out as well as discussing important decisions with them. While you may know what the answer will be, it is courteous and respectful to confirm it with them. This will also confirm that your expectations were correct.
Most people would like their relationship to stay in the honeymoon period, when everything was fresh and exciting. Well you can, but it is up to you! If that is what you want, you need to treat your relationship as if it is still in that honeymoon period – continue to take care, pay attention to what your partner says and wants, buy her (or him) flowers, do nice touches, make things special, show that you care and the excitement can persist for years and years!
Know your partner and pay attention – what they like to do, their favourite foods, TV, music, colour, places to visit, who is their favourite mentor, what gives them the most pleasure (sexual and non-sexual). Make an effort to make the things that are important to your partner important to you, so even though you don’t really like football, try and get involved, and even if you don’t understand why she likes flowers, just buy them!
You should know these things, because if you are going to make them happy, you need to know what works for them. People do feel loved when you pay attention to the finer details. Be able to comfort your partner and help each other emotionally and practically to solve any problems by working together – “What do we have to do to solve this?” or “How can I help you so we get through this?” Work as a team and use the terms like “we”, “us” and “together” to emphasise the team effort. Know each other’s strengths and weaknesses – praise them for one and help them with the other.
Obviously, both of you are going to need to know about NITs, but when you look at your relationship and communication, are the things that you say to each other mostly positive and uplifting or mostly critical and negative? Once aware of the principle, you can recognise the NITs and start eliminating them and approaching things from the other side with so much better results!
Sometimes you might need to imagine what your partner is dealing with to understand why they are tired, irritable or home so late. Go through the exercise of “walking in their shoes for a day” by asking them in detail what they have to do. You may well find out why one person may need some quiet time when they get home, rather than immediately giving the children to the worker on their arrival home.
A good relationship is also one where you respect what the other person needs, even if that is actually taking some time for themselves (without you). A secure and complete relationship will have the security of knowing that they do want to be together and will rejoin with a renewed appreciation after the time has passed.
Communication in relationships is critical too. Use honest and simple language, without any double meanings or innuendos, making sure that what you say is exactly what you mean. Everything you say should be taken at face value, so if something is upsetting you, say what it is, and don’t talk around the subject. If you are asked if you want to do something or not, be honest – for example “Well, I am very tired and would prefer not to go, but it is important for you so I am happy to come to support you”. Make sure there is no hidden indebtedness and be honest. If one partner only does things to create a “debt” from the other person, this undermines the positive energy of the relationship severely. The result is then both sides have to do things because they need to and not because they want to. Do what you do because you love your partner and allow your partner to not do what they don’t want to do because you love them too. As long as the balance is present, this works well.
Constant sarcasm, guilt and innuendo with implications of criticism or ungratefulness leaves the other person constantly trying to work out what they are doing wrong. This undermines the relationship and if that approach continues, the person will often either pull back from their partner or withdraw from the relationship completely.
Honesty sometimes requires you to be courageous, and both parties also need to be strong enough to hear the truth without being offended. Once the truth is out and the main issues are clear, you can then work together to solve the problems. But at least you are focused on the real problem, not the underlying excuses that circulate when the truth is too hard to discuss.
Remember that we all change and grow over the years, so the nature of someone that you met aged twenty may not be what they are like at thirty or fifty! Don’t assume that you know them – ask them and listen attentively so you keep up to speed with any changing aspects of their desires, dreams and plans, as your plans ideally are going in the same direction.
Having a great relationship in a NIT-free environment is also great for your children, as they learn from it all and will tend to mimic your actions and behaviours.